Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
