Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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