Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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