I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
