Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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