I accidentally had phone sex last night
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
