Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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