Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
