At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
