And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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