we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
