ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
