i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
false alarm. still invincible.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
