just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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