Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
