I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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