I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
