the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
