I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
