Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
