if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
