Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
