Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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