Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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