Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just cut my nipple shaving
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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