Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
