He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
