I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
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All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
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WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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