I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
