We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!