I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Watching her eat just hurts me
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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