my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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