I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
