Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
