I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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