I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
