I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
