4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Still dying that you shit outside
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
