I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just pynch a tree in the face
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
