1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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