remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
