she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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