i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
