Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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