if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
