i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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