she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
