I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
