I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
