whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
