Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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