I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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