Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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