I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
