You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
