he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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