i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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