Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
