I wish I only lived at night.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
