in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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