if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
