he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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