If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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