i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
