no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
