So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
