omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
